You Know What You Don't Want. But It's Your Wants That Steer the Boat.
TL;DR: Knowing what you don't want tells you what to escape. Knowing what you want tells you where to go. Most people at a crossroads have the first and lack the second, so they drift. Coaching helps turn "not this" into "this, next" so you can steer instead of just pushing away from the shore.
The Answer Most People Give
Ask someone stuck in a career or life transition what they want, and you often hear a list of what they don't want.
- "I don't want another boss like that."
- "I don't want to feel this tired every Sunday night."
- "I don't want to be doing the same thing in five years."
These answers are honest and useful. They tell you where the pain is. But they don't tell you where to go.
Avoidance Goals vs Approach Goals
Psychologists separate goals into two kinds.
- Avoidance goal: a goal framed around moving away from something you don't want. Example: "Get out of this job."
- Approach goal: a goal framed around moving towards something you do want. Example: "Lead a small team doing work I'm proud of."
An avoidance goal is a push. An approach goal is a pull. Research on goal pursuit generally links approach framing with more persistence and wellbeing, while avoidance framing tends to keep attention locked on the threat.
Why "Don't Wants" Can't Steer
Picture a boat pushing off from a rocky shore. Every stroke moves you away from the rocks. But away is not a direction. Without a destination you can end up circling, or landing on another rocky shore that looks different but feels the same.
That is why people leave a job they hate and find themselves, a year later, in a new job with the same problem. They escaped the rocks. They never chose the harbour.
"Don't wants" give you energy to leave. Wants give you a heading.
Why Wants Are Harder to Name
If wants are so useful, why do most of us struggle to say them out loud?
- Pain is louder than possibility. Discomfort demands attention. Desire whispers.
- Wants feel risky. Saying "I want this" means you might not get it. Saying "I don't want that" feels safer.
- We were trained to fit in, not to choose. School, national service and the early career ladder reward meeting expectations, not naming your own.
- Wants are vague until tested. "Meaningful work" means nothing until you describe what a meaningful Tuesday looks like.
How to Turn a "Don't Want" Into a Want
Use your "don't wants" as raw material. Each one hides a want underneath it.
- Write the "don't want" plainly. "I don't want to be micromanaged."
- Flip it into its opposite. "I want autonomy."
- Make it concrete. "I want to own a project end to end and report results monthly, not daily."
- Check whether it pulls you. Read it aloud. If you feel energy, keep it. If you feel nothing, dig deeper.
- Choose one next step towards it. One conversation, one application, one experiment this week.
Three examples
- "I don't want to feel invisible at work." Hidden want: recognition. Concrete version: "My contributions are named in team reviews."
- "I don't want to be stuck." Hidden want: growth. Concrete version: "I learn one new capability every quarter."
- "I don't want to retire and feel useless." Hidden want: purpose. Concrete version: "I mentor two younger people every year."
Where Behaviour Fits In
What you want is shaped by how you're wired. A DISC profile can make wants easier to name:
- D (Dominance) often wants challenge, results and control of direction.
- I (Influence) often wants connection, recognition and variety.
- S (Steadiness) often wants stability, trust and a team to support.
- C (Conscientiousness) often wants quality, clarity and expertise.
These are tendencies, not boxes. They give you language for wants you may have felt but never said. (See DISC Is a Map, Not a Report.)
How Coaching Helps
A coach doesn't tell you what to want. A coach asks the questions that let you hear yourself.
At Mindcoach.sg, our ICF-certified coaches and DISC facilitators work with professionals at life and career transitions. We help you move from "I know what I don't want" to "I know what I'm moving towards, and here's my next step." If this resonates, you may also like Life by Design or Life by Default.
Ready to choose your harbour? Book a discovery call with Mindcoach.sg.
FAQ
What is the difference between knowing what you don't want and knowing what you want?
Knowing what you don't want tells you what to move away from. Knowing what you want tells you where to go. The first gives energy to leave; the second gives direction.
Why do I only know what I don't want?
Pain is easier to notice than possibility, and naming a want feels risky. Most people are also trained to meet expectations rather than state their own preferences.
How do I figure out what I want in my career?
List your "don't wants", flip each into its opposite, make it concrete and observable, and test which ones give you energy. Then take one small step towards the strongest.
Can a coach help me figure out what I want?
Yes. A coach uses structured questions and tools like DISC profiling to help you surface wants you already hold but haven't put into words.
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